Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
You Might Also Like
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
How do horror writers compete with current events?
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack