A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
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Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
jesus christ confetti not now
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.