Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
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Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Cha-ching is my safe word
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.