The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
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WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
hmmm
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)