*skinny dips into black hole
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Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away