You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
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I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.