Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
You Might Also Like
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout