Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
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My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”