[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
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Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12