I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
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I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.