I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
You Might Also Like
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.