Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
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Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway