Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
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Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
why isn’t he texting back
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s