Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
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[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
fun fact: nike is short for nichael