My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
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it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
In space, no one can hear…
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes