Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
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Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.