Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
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“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Something Saturday.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food