Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
You Might Also Like
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem