when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
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If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Put this video in the Louvre
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Does this dress make me look cat?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”