[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
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I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Birds & Planes.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!