I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
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*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Wake me when AI does housework
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
There’s no “us” in nachos.
lol
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.