I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
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My rap name is When i$ Lunch
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.