Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
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I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs