Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
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Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Ape together strong
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Worst perfume name ever.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.