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relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
same energy
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.