It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
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Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?