I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
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I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
This pepper has seen some shit
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.