I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
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When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now