one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
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This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.