There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
You Might Also Like
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
boat question
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.