One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
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Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption