It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
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I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
shampoo implies shampee
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why