Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
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[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”