Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
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5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant