My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
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POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Time heals everything 🙂
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location