Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
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If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Aight bet
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.