Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
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Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Me trying to “trust the process”
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.