My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
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[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.