I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
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Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband