Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
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I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
My doctor says I only have one diabete.