Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
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*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything