Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
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Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Rather alarming headline…
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands