“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
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SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
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restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.