Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
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In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Why I divorced her.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-