The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
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At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
work smarter, not harder
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”