“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
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Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.