[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
You Might Also Like
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe