Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
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What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
12653.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”