My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
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I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??