happy friday
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“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
*pronounces patio like ratio
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
everyone’s a critic
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…